Jamie Thomas’s Thrill of It All podcast has been on hiatus for six months. The break is due to some serious introspective revelations that came to light for Thomas during the production of the series, which caused him to pause and reevaluate the core of his persona. He breaks down this existential crisis starting at the 10:11 mark of the latest episode of the Looking Sideways podcast.

That’s part of why the podcast is on hiatus. I’ve been going through what would probably be described as somewhat of a midlife crisis. I’ve been going through so much analyzation of myself; my interpersonal relationships; why I do the things I do; and how I approach things. I realized that I have quite a lot of flaws that I haven’t really recognized. And that they’ve been repeatedly holding me back from what my potential is… I just didn’t feel good about being in the public eye while processing and working through that stuff…

I think that the podcast was the initial thing that I noticed [that made me think] I am not as comfortable with who I am today as I would like to be. I also found that I had some pretty big things that I was ignoring that were coming out in the podcast that people were calling to my attention; or that I was noticing very obviously. I like to hear myself talk. I like to make myself the hero of my own stories. Just these egocentric repeated things that were happening.

But also it was the relationship with my wife, and those that I have known for a long time… I realize in those relationships how selfish I’ve been. I really had to ask myself, “Who am I, and what am I about?” Those are pretty big questions. And coming of age, I realized that pretty much my whole life, ever since I was young, I was a skateboarder. And that’s been first and foremost. I realized that that was no longer serving me to be the primary basis of my identity.

It was a massive realization. So more than the podcast, and more than just relationships, it’s all about the fact that before a husband and a father; I’ve been a skateboarder. I’ve always identified myself as a skateboarder. That means, everywhere I go; every conversation that I’m in; everything I do, I’m coming from the place of a skateboarder.

That served me for a time. Here’s the catch: In order for that identity to prevail, I have to stay steeped in the youthfulness that comes with skateboarding. And that is Peter Pan syndrome at its finest. That’s not wanting to grow up. That’s not wanting to accept responsibility for the things you say [and] do. It’s basically like, “How do I stay a teenager forever?” I realized that that was the biggest hurdle in my life. 

Listen to the entire conversation above.

Images Via Jamie Thomas